26 February 2006

I have a hyper kid

There I said it. It's all out in the open. Now I just have to come to grips with it: Rachel is nuts. She never sits still, she is always babbeling something incomprehensable, and she laughs randomly. I love her to death, but she is a wacky one. Now maybe it's just because she is 15 months...but I doubt it. There are a couple other kids her age in church that she plays with and they have nowhere near the energy that she has. They sit still calmly on their mother's laps and smile fondly at the people near them. They don't make loud fake laughing noises just for fun.

Don't get me wrong though. I wouldn't have it any other way. Who would I have to enertain me? Take for instance tonight when she was eating dinner. Spencer was on the phone talking to some survey guy and I was sitting at the table half reading a book and half watching Rachel eat. I guess I wasn't paying enough attention to her because she just starts laughing! I wish you could hear it, but I'll try to describe it as best I can with words. First of all it's a fake laugh. There's nothing funny going on. Second, it is quite cackely. She does this cackle sound from the back of her throat, opens her mouth, sticks out her tongue and tries to laugh. It's the funniest sound ever.

Her fake laugh isn't the only thing that makes her a hyper kid. She dances too. Last week she started doing the famous dance move from Flashdance. She'll stand there, dancing in place while breathing faster and faster until it sounds like she's about to explode! It's hilarious to watch. I feel like singing, "She's a maniac, maniac on the floor. And she's dancing like she never danced before."

I don't know what I'm going to do with this kid. She has so much energy, now only if I could figure out a way to harness this energy to power my home and fuel our cars. Any ideas??

22 February 2006

I figured it out

I figured it out. I know what I'm missing in my life. It is not a purpose. I know what my purpose is. It is to be a good wife and mother. Also to live the gospel the best I can. I am responsible for teaching Rachel how to be a successful adult. No, I have a purpose.

What I am missing is structure. For 16 years I was in school. I knew what I needed to do every day. I knew where I was supposed to be at all hours of pretty much each day. Then I graduated and started working. For 3 years I woke up knowing I needed to be at work at a certain time. When I got there I had specific tasks to do and it was clear when they were finished.

At the end of the day I could account for my time AND had something to show for it. Now I have neither. Usually when Spencer gets home I go down the list and tell him what I did that day. That's all well and good that I can tell him what I did for 2 hours. What about the other 8?? I am a woman who needs structure. I need organization. I want to be able to look at myself in the face at the end of the day and say I accomplished something. Is that to hard to ask? I'm beginning to think it is right now. I have heard for years that being a mother is a thankless job but I never really believed it. I know that what I do will not come to fruition for at least another 20 years, but somehow it doesn't make it any easier today.

My goal now is to find out what to do to fill my time. The problem I have is that I start to feel bad when I'm not on the floor playing with Rachel when she's awake and not watching Baby Einstein (which is olny 30 minutes of our day). I want to make the most of the time that I have with her right now. I guess I wouldn't feel like I had accomplished anything if I didn't pay attention to her. Therein lies the conundrum. I guess I just need to be patient. If I work hard at what my job is now I will see the results--even though they are not immediate. The Lord promises that if we are patient we will receive the reward. "Behold, we count them happy which endure. Ye have heard of the patience of Job, and have seen the end of the Lord; that the Lord is very pitiful, and of tender mercy." James 5:11

21 February 2006

Ahhh, life

I really should write more, but lately I just have nothing to say. My day is the same every day. I feel like I have no purpose anymore. I'm on the verge of crying right now for some reason. Don't get me wrong, I love being Rachel's mom, but I just feel like I'm doing nothing during the day. Spencer and I had quite a big fight on Saturday about Valentine's day celebrations and that didn't help either. We went on a date (only because my mom was babysitting and it was already planned) and barely talked for 4 hours. We just haven't been on the same page for a while it seems. We talked it over Sunday night but I guess I'm still feeling the effects of it. So last night after he got home from school I told him we were having FHE. A few months ago we decided we were going to try to do it with Rachel before she went to bed. Now that Spencer doesn't get home from school until Rachel's bedtime on Monday, Tuesday and Wednesdays we haven't been having it. I think that is part of the reason why we haven't been getting along the best.

Today I was supposed to go visiting teaching. I called my companion on Sunday after I made the appointments and left a message for her. Apparently she never got it because she called me at noon today when she got the message. Our appointment was at 10. So instead I left and did some errands. I returned something of Spencer's and actually bought something for myself. I have had a gift card to Ann Taylor Loft for over a year and decided to go in and see what I could find. I bought a cute shirt for $10 bucks and it actually made me feel better. I need new clothes desperately, but money is short. It's amazing what a new shirt can do for my attitude.

I'm still feeling bad that I don't have something for myself to do. For a while I was really into this blog, then I started knitting booties and hats for little babies, but nothing really sticks. I need a purpose! Well I'm off to go read the BYU-H alumni magazine and make dinner. Ahhh, life.

15 February 2006

Brrrrrr

I woke up this morning at 5 am to drip, drip, drip. At first I thought our bathtub was dripping. I was so mad. I hate waking up before I have to. I laid there for a few minutes trying to block out the noise, but finally succumbed to the urge to go potty. I got out of bed and glanced out the window. What? The ground was all wet! I guess it wasn't our tub that was leaking, it was the sky. I didn't even know it was supposed to rain. So after going to the bathroom, I closed the window, pulled the covers over my head and fell back asleep.

When I woke up, the ground was still wet. We have been having very warm weather--plus I live in San Diego--since the beginning of the month so I wasn't prepared for today at all. My friend brought her two kids over this morning for me to watch and I was banking on taking them to the park at 10:30 to run around. Three wild kids under the age of 4 does not go well with our small apartment. I knew it was going to be chilly, so they all had sweatshirts and long pants on. What I wasn't prepared for was the wind. As soon as I started driving, I could see the trees swaying. When we got to the park it was so cold! It's at the top of a hill where the breeze from the ocean shoots up to the park. The clouds were still out and the wind was blustery! We stayed for an hour--luckily a bunch of women from our playgroup showed up (I guess they're as crazy as me)--and we had a good time. We left with pink cheeks and runny noses, but it was worth it! Luckily they are all asleep now (thank you!), giving me some peace and quite. I just wish I was snuggled up with a blanket and some hot chocolate in front the tv. Too bad 2 of them are sleeping in the living room.

06 February 2006

Some thoughts

I just realized that it's been 11 days since my last post. I guess I just haven't had anything important to say. I have this neighbor downstairs who is going through some rough times. I want to give her a Book of Mormon so a week ago I sat down and started to write my testimony to her and was going to post it here, but I just couldn't finish it. She is Russian and the Book of Mormon is in Russian so I have to give it to her. So that's why there hasn't been a post. I keep thinking I'll finish what I want to say, but never make the time.

I did bear my testimony in church yesterday. It's been quite a while. The last few months I've thought about it, but I never feel that push to go up. Well this time a friend of mine bore her testimony and I just felt the Spirit so strong. I had already thought about going up, but her testimony sealed the deal. I had that feeling that my heart was going to jump out of my chest it was beating so hard. The meeting was full of faith-promoting stories but I just went up there and said what I knew. I have a testimony of the truthfulness of the church. I know that Joseph Smith saw Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ. I know that through Joseph Smith the true gospel was restored on this earth and the Book of Mormon was translated. I know that Gordon B. Hinkley is a prophet today and speaks for the Lord. I know that the way is prepared for us to return to our Father in Heaven; we just have to take those steps. I know this because the Holy Ghost has testified of it. I have been feeling like my testimony is weakening lately. I wonder sometimes whether I truly do have a testimony. But feeling the Spirit like I did yesterday made me remember that I do have one.

Life seems like it is just moving on. Sometimes I feel like it's just passing by without me in it. I love staying home with Rachel but struggle with doing productive things. I see everyone busy and moving forward, but I don't feel that way. When Spencer comes home and we talk about our days he can say he went to work and school; concrete things. Usually my day consists of going to the park, cleaning some part of our apartment, doing laundry or playing with Rachel on the floor. But I don't really know what I have done with my time or have much to show for it. I keep telling myself that it's worth it, but something inside of me is always looking for more.

I heard an ad on the radio last week to sell Fresh Air purifiers. These things are awesome and I would love to be a representative for them. So I called the number and had the free informational packet sent to me. I knew they were expensive, but I had no idea they were $800 bucks! Not only do I not have any friends here that can afford something like that, but I would feel so weird offering it to someone who could afford it. So there's another money making opportunity down the drain.

Speaking of money I spent an hour and half tonight talking to a lawyer (with my mom, two uncles, my grandma and grandpa) about an investment we all had (this wasn't all the people involved, not even all of my family that is involved, but it was the ones close). We put money into a company that did real estate investing. We knew the guy that owned the company and he was trustworthy--even a member of the church--so we felt it was pretty safe. Well the company went under, all the assests have been turned over to a trust and who knows if we'll get any money back. Luckily Spencer and I are young and have plenty of time to recover from this loss, but my parents, uncles and especially my grandma don't have all that much time. The income my grandma was getting each month from the interest of her investment is all she has. It just goes to show that you can't trust anyone, even if they are your friends and members of the church. That makes me sad.

So that's pretty much what's going on with me. Hopefully I'll be able to finish my testimony to my neighbor soon and give her the Book of Mormon. I really feel like it is something I should do.