I figured it out. I know what I'm missing in my life. It is not a purpose. I know what my purpose is. It is to be a good wife and mother. Also to live the gospel the best I can. I am responsible for teaching Rachel how to be a successful adult. No, I have a purpose.
What I am missing is structure. For 16 years I was in school. I knew what I needed to do every day. I knew where I was supposed to be at all hours of pretty much each day. Then I graduated and started working. For 3 years I woke up knowing I needed to be at work at a certain time. When I got there I had specific tasks to do and it was clear when they were finished.
At the end of the day I could account for my time AND had something to show for it. Now I have neither. Usually when Spencer gets home I go down the list and tell him what I did that day. That's all well and good that I can tell him what I did for 2 hours. What about the other 8?? I am a woman who needs structure. I need organization. I want to be able to look at myself in the face at the end of the day and say I accomplished something. Is that to hard to ask? I'm beginning to think it is right now. I have heard for years that being a mother is a thankless job but I never really believed it. I know that what I do will not come to fruition for at least another 20 years, but somehow it doesn't make it any easier today.
My goal now is to find out what to do to fill my time. The problem I have is that I start to feel bad when I'm not on the floor playing with Rachel when she's awake and not watching Baby Einstein (which is olny 30 minutes of our day). I want to make the most of the time that I have with her right now. I guess I wouldn't feel like I had accomplished anything if I didn't pay attention to her. Therein lies the conundrum. I guess I just need to be patient. If I work hard at what my job is now I will see the results--even though they are not immediate. The Lord promises that if we are patient we will receive the reward. "Behold, we count them happy which endure. Ye have heard of the patience of Job, and have seen the end of the Lord; that the Lord is very pitiful, and of tender mercy." James 5:11