22 February 2006

I figured it out

I figured it out. I know what I'm missing in my life. It is not a purpose. I know what my purpose is. It is to be a good wife and mother. Also to live the gospel the best I can. I am responsible for teaching Rachel how to be a successful adult. No, I have a purpose.

What I am missing is structure. For 16 years I was in school. I knew what I needed to do every day. I knew where I was supposed to be at all hours of pretty much each day. Then I graduated and started working. For 3 years I woke up knowing I needed to be at work at a certain time. When I got there I had specific tasks to do and it was clear when they were finished.

At the end of the day I could account for my time AND had something to show for it. Now I have neither. Usually when Spencer gets home I go down the list and tell him what I did that day. That's all well and good that I can tell him what I did for 2 hours. What about the other 8?? I am a woman who needs structure. I need organization. I want to be able to look at myself in the face at the end of the day and say I accomplished something. Is that to hard to ask? I'm beginning to think it is right now. I have heard for years that being a mother is a thankless job but I never really believed it. I know that what I do will not come to fruition for at least another 20 years, but somehow it doesn't make it any easier today.

My goal now is to find out what to do to fill my time. The problem I have is that I start to feel bad when I'm not on the floor playing with Rachel when she's awake and not watching Baby Einstein (which is olny 30 minutes of our day). I want to make the most of the time that I have with her right now. I guess I wouldn't feel like I had accomplished anything if I didn't pay attention to her. Therein lies the conundrum. I guess I just need to be patient. If I work hard at what my job is now I will see the results--even though they are not immediate. The Lord promises that if we are patient we will receive the reward. "Behold, we count them happy which endure. Ye have heard of the patience of Job, and have seen the end of the Lord; that the Lord is very pitiful, and of tender mercy." James 5:11

2 comments:

Zeearah said...

You remind me of myself. When I first became a mother - I went through an akward stage of not knowing what to do with my time. I was so use to working, going to school, doing homework, making dinner, cleaning the house, and so forth. Then everything changed - I was chained to the house! (Or so I felt). I felt like there was nothing to do and I was sooooo bored - and no adults to talk to! I mean - I could only clean for so long - and babies sleep a lot! I too felt like I had to account to my husband everyday what I did to help me feel as though my day was meaningful and I did accomplish a lot. Funny thing though, he didn't really care, as long as I was spending time mothering our children, the house wasn't falling apart, and I still had my sanity - he was happy and thought that I was the perfect wife and mother. (Silly guy has been infected by the love bug.)
Eventually I found that I didn't have enough time to do everything. You begin to organize your time - find new things to do with your little one - library reading times, craft days, play dates, and so forth. Not to mention all the running around with errands, visiting family, and your church callings. I even made a schedule to help me better organize my time and see things everyday that I could do with the kids to help them learn and grow. Do I follow it? No - but it helps me to make sure that I don't waste the precious time that I do have with them.

Jamie J said...

Sounds like you have a wonderful husband. Mine is like that too. He doesn't really need to hear me account for my day...I think it's more for me. I feel better now, I think I was just having a down time. Rachel goes through happy weeks and grouchy weeks and that was a grouchy week so it didn't help either.

My VT'ers came over last Monday and one lady said something that really helped. She said that as a mother, I am feeding the hungry, clothing the naked and so on and shows that I you spend your time, shows what my priorities are. That really made me think. I am spending ALL my time with my little daughter and she should be my priority during the day. It really lifted my spirits.