I do my best thinking when I'm busy, busy doing something I don't have to think about. I'd been sitting at the computer for a bit a while ago thinking of how I was going to say what I wanted to say. Nothing was coming. So I got up and decided to do something around the house for a change. I got my rubber gloves, Softscrub, some paper towels and Windex and headed to the bathrooms. As soon as I got on my hands and knees and started scrubbing our shower the thoughts start pouring in. I cleaned two bathrooms while essentially writing this post in my head. Now the hard part is getting all those thoughts on the screen.
Some of you may know that Spencer and I are trying to add to our family of three. It has proven a difficult path...not as difficult as some, but nonetheless trying for us. After a few months of paying close attention to how my body works, I have finally found a problem. Today I went to the health food store and bought a couple things that are supposed to work for this problem. Hopefully they do.
Having this experience has taught me a lot about myself and people. We live in a very baby and pregnant populous ward. It has been hard for me to see woman after woman either announce their pregnancy or have their baby. I am genuinely happy about some of them because they are my friends, but sometimes it just gets to me. A couple weeks ago we had a book club where we were discussing a thesis written by a friend of member of our club. She had struggled for years to try to have a child and wrote stories about her experiences. A comment was made that those women who have trouble with this should not be bitter, they should realize that every baby is a blessing and we should be happy for those who can bring them into this world. Unbeknownst to her (I'm hoping) there were at least three of us who were going through things similar to this woman. Feelings were hurt and tempers were ignited. It was a very uncomfortable situation. I should mention that this girl is pregnant with her third child.
I've thought a lot about this since we last met. I realize that it's not feasible to tip-toe around everyone in hopes of not hurting anyone's feelings but somewhere a line must be drawn. I've realized that fertility problems are just one thing that people go through. There are so many other--usually--less noticeable problems that people struggle with. When someone opens up and tells you something they are struggling with, the last thing they want is advice on how they should feel.
I realize feeling happy for other people who have what you want is the ultimate in being Christlike, but I don't think that we will be punished necessarily for having these thoughts unless they consume us and we become bitter and hateful. I think that if Christ was here with me and I expressed feelings about a struggle that I was going through, he wouldn't tell me how to feel. Instead, I imagine him putting his arms around me and telling me that he understands how I feel. He would let me cry it out and maybe even be mad for a while. Then he would tell me that he will always be there to help me through the trial. He would say "I will make your burdens light. Lean on me for strength and we can make it through together."
We all have struggles that we go through. The beauty of it is, that Christ can be here with us. He may not be able to reach out and hug us physically but we can feel the embracing power of his love through the gift of the Holy Ghost. We can be encircled about with the arms of his love. (2Ne 1:15)
I still want another child to add to our family, but knowing that Christ can be there with me every step of the way to lift me up and comfort me when I fall is a great blessing.