25 March 2008

I think I have been blessed with days like this so that I can be strengthened and prepared for days to come. I have looked back at that day many times over the last couple weeks. These last few weeks have been rough--I'm talking like sad, crying at least every other day kind of rough. I don't stay sad and can usually come out of these feelings, but it's hard when you cry every time you think about or see a pregnant women. A week ago Sunday I spent the better part of two hours sobbing. It's been a blessing being in Primary for the last two hours every Sunday only surrounded by 5 three year olds. I wish I was stronger.

This morning after going on a walk with my friend Lacey, I jumped into the shower like I do every day. Showering has been one time in my day that I have truly enjoyed lately. Getting in that warm water and letting is rush over my face and body helps me to relax so much. It's like the water is a magic calming elixir. I know that if I put a movie on for Rachel she's safe and I can take as long as I want in there. Today I sat down in the bathtub and let the water fall all over me while I just laid there thinking. I just wanted to stay there all day long and not have to face the day today.

I never dreamed losing something I never even had could cause so much pain, so much heart ache.

I'm sorry to be such a downer today but I'd be a liar if I didn't represent my life the way it is. I feel like you all have a one sided view of me because I don't like to put up sad posts but this is life. I am grateful for my testimony that this is just a small part of life. It helps me to get out of the shower and do what I need to do. I know it will just take time to work through these feelings and that's what I need.

7 comments:

Cheryl said...

Work through it, yes, but never feel ashamed for posting about it. Writing is so amazingly theraputic (did I spell that right?), and therefore, we need to write about all our experiences. The good, the joyful, the annoying, the sad, the ugly, and the downright awful. If we can't share our pain with each other (as bloggers), then how can we expect to share the joy, too?

This is me hugging you right now. I wish I could be there to help comfort you in other ways. I also wish I could give you what you want, but it wouldn't be right to take away your chance at learning whatever it is HF wants you to learn right now. ~sigh~

If it helps, go to this link:

http://denaeharlow.blogspot.com/2008/03/my-progress.html

Don't know if you already read it, but this could be something to help you out. I know she's dealing with the exact same issue. Exact.

Here's another hug...and hooray for hot showers!

bythelbs said...

It's sooo OK to be sad sometimes--you definitely don't need to apologize for it. I think we all need some wallowing time--it's part of the healing process. You can't get past something (and some things you never get completely past) without first allowing yourself to really feel it. I hope the coming days bring you lots of things to smile about!

Melissa said...

I think we should write about all aspects of our lives... I don't know... it seems to help me from time to time.
I'm so sorry you are struggling right now. I wish I could give you a big hug. You're in my thoughts and prayers!

Jamie J said...

Thank you for your comments dear friends. They make me feel loved and so much better. Thanks Cheryl for that link, I'll check it out.

Jen said...

I know what you mean. I have been seriously depressed lately (though it's not usually in my nature). The whole TTC thing is really getting to me. Also I'm approaching the EDD of my second miscarriage. It can be so hard. Let it out. I think we're suppose to.

Janelle said...

The shower is a perfect place to cry, and pray. Thanks for sharing.

Michele said...

I am hugging you too Jamie. I am so glad that you have written this because I know how much you have been hurting inside and IMO writing helps. You are in my thoughts and prayers.