I think I have been blessed with days like this so that I can be strengthened and prepared for days to come. I have looked back at that day many times over the last couple weeks. These last few weeks have been rough--I'm talking like sad, crying at least every other day kind of rough. I don't stay sad and can usually come out of these feelings, but it's hard when you cry every time you think about or see a pregnant women. A week ago Sunday I spent the better part of two hours sobbing. It's been a blessing being in Primary for the last two hours every Sunday only surrounded by 5 three year olds. I wish I was stronger.
This morning after going on a walk with my friend Lacey, I jumped into the shower like I do every day. Showering has been one time in my day that I have truly enjoyed lately. Getting in that warm water and letting is rush over my face and body helps me to relax so much. It's like the water is a magic calming elixir. I know that if I put a movie on for Rachel she's safe and I can take as long as I want in there. Today I sat down in the bathtub and let the water fall all over me while I just laid there thinking. I just wanted to stay there all day long and not have to face the day today.
I never dreamed losing something I never even had could cause so much pain, so much heart ache.
I'm sorry to be such a downer today but I'd be a liar if I didn't represent my life the way it is. I feel like you all have a one sided view of me because I don't like to put up sad posts but this is life. I am grateful for my testimony that this is just a small part of life. It helps me to get out of the shower and do what I need to do. I know it will just take time to work through these feelings and that's what I need.