21 September 2008


I don't talk about the things I'm going to talk about very much so if you don't want to hear it, just move on...I won't get my feelings hurt. These are things I just need to say, mostly for my benefit.

September is an interesting month. It didn't used to hold much value until two years ago. Before two years ago it signified the end of summer and the start of another school year. It is also the anniversary of my birth--that was definitely something to celebrate. I've always loved birthdays. In fact next week I celebrate my thirtieth birthday. Crazy, huh? Unfortunately September is now clouded by other kinds of anniversaries.

Two years ago September became a more interesting month. It was two years ago that T-Bone and I decided that we would try for our second child. Up until that point I had battled with hormonal depression and irregular cycles. I also was in a lot of pain during my pregnancy with Boogers and it was very difficult for me to even think of being pregnant again. In September I finally was comfortable with the thought of being pregnant again. We also decided that we didn't want our children to be too far apart. Boogers was turning two that December so we figured 2 1/2 years was a good spacing to have--if we got pregnant in September. A week or so after we started trying a good friend of mine told me she was pregnant with their second. I was delighted especially since I thought we could be pregnant together. Her due date of April came and went and she had a beautiful baby and there I was, still not pregnant.

The first 7 months were very trying for us as my cycle was very irregular and my body could not even support a pregnancy due to hormonal issues. After that my cycle started to regulate and we were delighted to find out in July that I was finally pregnant. Unfortunately that pregnancy ended in miscarriage one year ago next Wednesday at 12 weeks--in September. Three days before my birthday. How's that for easy to remember?

T-Bone and I figured that this was just nature taking it's course. Everyone has miscarriages, right? We would just try again and everything would work out. My doctor gave us the go-ahead after the D&C and we were surprised to find out in November that I was pregnant again. This time we both felt like we had a second chance. We saw the heart beat a couple times, then one day nothing. I had another D&C at 14 1/2 weeks.

That was my lowest point. I could understand having one but two right after each other after trying for so long and getting to so far in the pregnancy was too much. Normal daily life seemed unbearable. I had one good cry after the first miscarriage and then moved on determined to show nature who was boss. This time around I felt like I had lost all hope. It took me a lot longer to reach that plateau where I could actually not cry when I saw a pregnant woman.

I'm so glad I had a couple friends, who even though I found out were pregnant a couple months later, had gone through similar trials and knew what I was going through. I treasured the talks I had with them and the patience they had with my while I bawled my eyes out.

T-Bone and I decided that emotionally we were not ready to start trying for at least six months. We needed time to regroup. We needed time to heal, to try to understand what was happening. I had some very real and comforting experiences through this time that helped me be reminded that Heavenly Father knows who I am--as an individual--and loves me very much. Sometimes he steps in and makes things happen, but I believe for the most part he lets life takes it's course. The important thing to remember is that he is there for us when things don't go our way. These experiences gave me something to hold on to when life seemed very dark. They have strengthened me over the last 7 months. They gave me hope. Isn't that all there is sometimes?

I think remembering anniversaries in some way can be depressing. But I choose not to see them that way. I choose to be strengthened by them. I choose to be reminded of who I was and see how far I've come. I choose to use them as a way to remember the spiritual experiences and use them as a jumping off point for the future.

These experiences gave me hope that one day again I will be blessed to carry another child, to hold a baby that is my own, to grow our family. And here I sit, two years later, still with that hope.

Sometimes hope is all there is, and I just hope it's enough.


cornnut32 said...

what an inspiration you are. i can't even imagine how difficult that must be. i admire your ability to maintain a positive attitude while going through hard times.

Melissa said...

Your attitude and spirit are so amazing. You're right. Sometimes hope is all that we have... but it's a good thing to have.

Anonymous said...

Sometimes hope has to be enough, doesn't it?

Jen said...

You have written this post so well. I'm thankful for this hard journey to hold another baby because it has taught me to be more compassionate with others. It has also given me dear friends like you. My niece that is waiting for the word she can come pick up her child she has adopted from Guatemala posted this quote regarding hope, "Expect to have hope rekindled. Expect your prayers to be answered in wondrous ways. The dry seasons in life do not last. The spring rains will come again." - Sarah Ban Breathnach

S'mee said...

I think it is good to remember. Sometimes, trying to figure it all out brings more questions and sometimes more hurt. These are your precious things to ponder and work out with Heavenly Father and dear relations. In the long run He will make your family complete and eternal. Let your minds follow the love and your hearts continue to beat towards the hope.


Mother of the Wild Boys said...

Beautifully written post. Thank you for sharing yourself with us. :)

Cheryl said...

I remember when you were experiencing the pains of the miscarriages and my heart still hurts for you. I honestly wish I could fix it. I still do.
You are wonderful, you know. You're strong and courageous and you have an amazing testimony of hope and patience; you're a great example to me!
Love you.

shay said...

Thanks for sharing...you are probably helping someone else along the way... And you've come so far with your emotions and your grasp of it all. I admire that. And I'm sure once all is said and done you'll look back and KNOW why this trial was for you. Heavenly Father is just so wonderful that way. And hope is all there is sometimes...and how grateful we are for it!

Lisa M. said...

I am so sorry.

Janelle said...

Seems like September is a tough month for several of my friends with anniversaries. Hope, I like the idea and feeling of hope.

Leslie said...

I absolutely relate to this post. I have struggled to get pregnant both times. I had one very early miscarriage, and it was painful then...but I can't imagine how hard it was for you twice in a row. I am so sorry. Thank you for sharing this!

Michele said...

(((HUGS))). Thank you for sharing.