I don't talk about the things I'm going to talk about very much so if you don't want to hear it, just move on...I won't get my feelings hurt. These are things I just need to say, mostly for my benefit.September is an interesting month. It didn't used to hold much value until two years ago. Before two years ago it signified the end of summer and the start of another school year. It is also the anniversary of my birth--that was definitely something to celebrate. I've always loved birthdays. In fact next week I celebrate my thirtieth birthday. Crazy, huh? Unfortunately September is now clouded by other kinds of anniversaries.
Two years ago September became a more interesting month. It was two years ago that T-Bone and I decided that we would try for our second child. Up until that point I had battled with hormonal depression and irregular cycles. I also was in a lot of pain during my pregnancy with Boogers and it was very difficult for me to even think of being pregnant again. In September I finally was comfortable with the thought of being pregnant again. We also decided that we didn't want our children to be too far apart. Boogers was turning two that December so we figured 2 1/2 years was a good spacing to have--if we got pregnant in September. A week or so after we started trying a good friend of mine told me she was pregnant with their second. I was delighted especially since I thought we could be pregnant together. Her due date of April came and went and she had a beautiful baby and there I was, still not pregnant.
The first 7 months were very trying for us as my cycle was very irregular and my body could not even support a pregnancy due to hormonal issues. After that my cycle started to regulate and we were delighted to find out in July that I was finally pregnant. Unfortunately that pregnancy ended in miscarriage one year ago next Wednesday at 12 weeks--in September. Three days before my birthday. How's that for easy to remember?
T-Bone and I figured that this was just nature taking it's course. Everyone has miscarriages, right? We would just try again and everything would work out. My doctor gave us the go-ahead after the D&C and we were surprised to find out in November that I was pregnant again. This time we both felt like we had a second chance. We saw the heart beat a couple times, then one day nothing. I had another D&C at 14 1/2 weeks.
That was my lowest point. I could understand having one but two right after each other after trying for so long and getting to so far in the pregnancy was too much. Normal daily life seemed unbearable. I had one good cry after the first miscarriage and then moved on determined to show nature who was boss. This time around I felt like I had lost all hope. It took me a lot longer to reach that plateau where I could actually not cry when I saw a pregnant woman.
I'm so glad I had a couple friends, who even though I found out were pregnant a couple months later, had gone through similar trials and knew what I was going through. I treasured the talks I had with them and the patience they had with my while I bawled my eyes out.
T-Bone and I decided that emotionally we were not ready to start trying for at least six months. We needed time to regroup. We needed time to heal, to try to understand what was happening. I had some very real and comforting experiences through this time that helped me be reminded that Heavenly Father knows who I am--as an individual--and loves me very much. Sometimes he steps in and makes things happen, but I believe for the most part he lets life takes it's course. The important thing to remember is that he is there for us when things don't go our way. These experiences gave me something to hold on to when life seemed very dark. They have strengthened me over the last 7 months. They gave me hope. Isn't that all there is sometimes?
I think remembering anniversaries in some way can be depressing. But I choose not to see them that way. I choose to be strengthened by them. I choose to be reminded of who I was and see how far I've come. I choose to use them as a way to remember the spiritual experiences and use them as a jumping off point for the future.
These experiences gave me hope that one day again I will be blessed to carry another child, to hold a baby that is my own, to grow our family. And here I sit, two years later, still with that hope.
Sometimes hope is all there is, and I just hope it's enough.