But I didn't want to talk about Mr. Clean Magic Erasers today. I was using that to distract you--and probably me too--from my real purpose in blogging today. Unlike some fleeting blog post thoughts I usually have, I cannot get this out of my head. I want to talk about miscarriage.
I would be 7 months pregnant right now if I hadn't lost the last baby. To say that's it's been a journey since October would be the understatement of the year. My emotions have been everywhere. I have been completely distraught, unable to even stop crying for hours, to content and vaguely happy and everything in between. I knew that would happen. It's not like I haven't been through it before, but it still is such a different experience each time. I have dealt with each loss so individually--kind of like raising each kid. They are all different.
Anyway, yesterday I got to thinking about how far along I would have been and then I looked at Mr. Smiley. He isn't even two. He wants me to carry him a lot still. He is still so much a baby. I get to play with him and him alone most of the day. I have my full health and am able to do pretty much whatever we want together. I cannot even begin to imagine myself 7 months pregnant. I know I would be in pain. I know I would be huge and really not wanting to get on the floor to play trains or cars all morning. I would not be as patient as I am. I would not be as willing to hold him with one hand while I cook dinner with the other one so he can see everything that I'm doing. (The boy is obsessed with cooking) Things would be very different.
When I got pregnant we weren't actively trying to conceive. But we didn't want our second and third children to be 4 1/2 years apart like Big Sister and Mr. Smiley are so we were welcoming whatever came our way. I was nervous to say the least. All I had known up to this point was how to deal with the terrible two's and the terrible three's with no younger siblings. Mr. Smiley would just be heading down that path as the baby was born. However, I figured things would work out. When I lost that baby I was devastated, but as time has gone on I have realized that things have worked out. I still think of those babies I lost almost every day. They are a part of me and will be forever, but I believe there is a plan--an individual plan, just for me. I'm glad for the opportunity to be the best mom I can right now with Mr. Smiley and Big Sister. Pregnancy changes so much in me. It throws the whole family into a tizzy and I'm glad we are not living in a tizzy right now.
Despite the pain and heartache I've had to go through this is my plan and I'm okay with it.