01 March 2011

This is My Plan

The other day some scrambled egg dripped down the side of my oven--between my oven and my cabinets. I meant to clean it that night, but I forgot. I finally got around to it today. I pulled the oven out a few inches, discovered a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser I didn't know I had and went to work. I haven't used one of those in a long time and I was sure reminded of the cleaning power. I proceeded to clean many of the other surfaces in my kitchen that needed cleaning. And then I got to thinking as I always do when I use one of those. "What the heck is in these?" I'm convinced Mr. Clean is actually an alien and whatever is in those erasers is from a different planet.

But I didn't want to talk about Mr. Clean Magic Erasers today. I was using that to distract you--and probably me too--from my real purpose in blogging today. Unlike some fleeting blog post thoughts I usually have, I cannot get this out of my head. I want to talk about miscarriage.

I would be 7 months pregnant right now if I hadn't lost the last baby. To say that's it's been a journey since October would be the understatement of the year. My emotions have been everywhere. I have been completely distraught, unable to even stop crying for hours, to content and vaguely happy and everything in between. I knew that would happen. It's not like I haven't been through it before, but it still is such a different experience each time. I have dealt with each loss so individually--kind of like raising each kid. They are all different.

Anyway, yesterday I got to thinking about how far along I would have been and then I looked at Mr. Smiley. He isn't even two. He wants me to carry him a lot still. He is still so much a baby. I get to play with him and him alone most of the day. I have my full health and am able to do pretty much whatever we want together. I cannot even begin to imagine myself 7 months pregnant. I know I would be in pain. I know I would be huge and really not wanting to get on the floor to play trains or cars all morning. I would not be as patient as I am. I would not be as willing to hold him with one hand while I cook dinner with the other one so he can see everything that I'm doing. (The boy is obsessed with cooking) Things would be very different.

When I got pregnant we weren't actively trying to conceive. But we didn't want our second and third children to be 4 1/2 years apart like Big Sister and Mr. Smiley are so we were welcoming whatever came our way. I was nervous to say the least. All I had known up to this point was how to deal with the terrible two's and the terrible three's with no younger siblings. Mr. Smiley would just be heading down that path as the baby was born. However, I figured things would work out. When I lost that baby I was devastated, but as time has gone on I have realized that things have worked out. I still think of those babies I lost almost every day. They are a part of me and will be forever, but I believe there is a plan--an individual plan, just for me. I'm glad for the opportunity to be the best mom I can right now with Mr. Smiley and Big Sister. Pregnancy changes so much in me. It throws the whole family into a tizzy and I'm glad we are not living in a tizzy right now.

Despite the pain and heartache I've had to go through this is my plan and I'm okay with it.


Melissa said...

What a great post! It's good to remember that there is a plan... sometimes I just wish I knew a little more of the details :)

Janelle said...

This post made me cry and all warm and fuzzy inside. Thank you for sharing this.

Emily said...

It helps me to know that Heavenly Father knows what I need more than I do! At least SOMEONE knows what the plan is ;)

Anonymous said...

Not living in a tizzy is nice. I'm glad you've found peace with the plan.

On a lighter note, you just reminded me of all the stuff that's been spilled down between my oven and my cabinets. It wasn't a good memory, but I forgive you. :)

Cheryl said...

I love this. And I love you, too. Your perspective is right on, and I'm happy you've got your peace! Thank you for reminding me to look at my plan a little bit differently.

Mother of the Wild Boys said...

This is my plan...what a concept. I like that. Thanks. <3

Shellybythesea said...

Your plan is a good one. I know because I have been immensely blessed by it thru the form of two absolutely perfect grandchildren. They are my exquisite joy in this crazy world!!!