19 May 2011

3 and 3

I've been extra emotional lately, under a bit of stress. Consequently it has contributed to my yelling and and ability to cry at the drop of a hat. This week has been the worst. It's been a roller coaster of emotions as I try to sort through things and get certain things sorted out. On Monday Big Sister was talking back for the 100th time that morning--did I mention it was only 8 o'clock?--and I just lost it. I yelled at her and I yelled at her good. Then because of it I cried my eyes out. You know the ugly sobbing, convulsing cry. I felt terrible. I had woken up stressed and took it out on my sweet daughter.  I hadn't cried like that in probably 5 or 6 months. Through the sobs I prayed. That was all I could think of to do. I prayed for forgiveness, prayed for comfort and most of all prayed for the ability to control myself. I composed myself and continued on with the day and got Big Sister off to school. The day did get better though. A dear friend saw my pathetic post on Facebook and offered to bring us dinner. It was such a blessing and I am beyond grateful to her. Tuesday and Wednesday were better (although I did cry again yesterday trying to talk to an insurance company).  Today has been great so far though. I got to go to the doctor and I got to see something beautiful.

Two weeks and one day ago I found out I am pregnant for the 6th time.  Today we saw a tiny, beautiful beating heart.

I wasn't sure I wanted to have another child. I was completely content with our two a few months ago. The thought of being pregnant again and possibly going through another miscarriage was not something I wanted to think about. T-Bone was completely supportive too, and he was the one that thought we should have three. He didn't want me to have to go through another miscarriage either. Then I had an experience where I knew that there was one more for us. I never thought I'd have one of those. I've heard people say they felt like someone was missing from their family or had a dream or even that there was a spirit watching them and they'd get a glimpse of them. Honestly I always thought those stories were kind of weird. Not that I didn't believe them, but....I didn't quite believe in them. But now I know that those things can happen. I was stubborn and I guess I needed a little push to understand.

I had a panic attack when I found out. I knew in my heart, yet I didn't really want to know so I waited a couple days before taking the test. I guess I didn't want to have to face the reality and the stress that comes with me being pregnant. It has been a really long two weeks. Lest you all think that I'm dreading this, I am happy. I look forward to the day when I can bring another child into our family but the what-ifs of the present sometimes get in the way of my joy in the future.

I know that it isn't usually conventional to spread the news of a pregnancy so early--I'm only 6 weeks--but my pregnancies haven't really been conventional either. Besides if I lose it I'm going to post about it anyway, cuz I just can't just keep my mouth shut. Plus talking about it is therapeutic. I've been doing everything I can to try to keep this pregnancy--taking progesterone and baby aspirin, and taking it as easy as I can--and especially praying. Heavenly Father has heard from me a LOT. I realize that I may not know everything and that there is a plan for me and things don't always work out the way I want them to--I would be an idiot if I didn't acknowledge that--but I do know that prayers can't hurt and there is a big chance they actually can help. And so I ask if you will say a prayer or two or however many you want for me.

This is our last try. If we can end the record at 3 and 3 we'll be thrilled.

17 comments:

Sharon said...

For sure I am sending up prayers for you and will not stop! Love you!

Julie said...

I've been wondering and hoping and praying for you. I'm glad you got to see a heartbeat today.
I yell without being pregnant, so where's my excuse???!

The Roz's said...

Yay! That's so exciting! I love your posts and this one was amazing. You are so right, writing is therapy. We'll be sure to keep you all in our prayers. =D

Janelle said...

I will definitely be praying for you!

Emily said...

suweeet! congrats! I'm totally the same way about telling people, i figure if i miscarry, i'm going to tell everyone anyway because i just wear my life on my sleeves...

love ya! sending healthy pregnancy and baby thoughts your way

flip flop mama said...

Thank you everyone. I have amazing friends. And Julie, I yell when I'm not pregnant too but this was just bad.

Cheryl said...

Yay! Oh, thus such awesome news! I understand why you would be scared, cautious, etc. It's tough and you've had quite the ride. I'll be praying that this is "the one" and that you'll be able to hold him/her in your arms come winter. :)

Shellybythesea said...

Just remember I am always happy to babysit my grandkids when you need a rest. Send them down here!!!

Staceygirl said...

Oh FFM, you are so brave and stronger than you think. I shed a little tear for you - I'm just happy and hopeful and wishing you the best. Also, I'll throw in some prayers. Congratulations! I am always so emotional when pregnant. Hang in there!

Jackie Romney said...

I am so thrilled for you!!! I love your attitude with the pregnancy. I wish more people would talk about miscarriages more often. If you need help, let me know! I'd be happy to come over and pic up BS from school or just take the kids to the park for a few hours.

Maile Fano said...

As soon as I read the emotions and crying, I figured that you were pregnant! Congratulations and I will have you in my prayers!!!! I hope all goes well.

.From Her. said...

JAMIE!

This post just made my day. AH! I am so thrilled for you. "That feeling" is amazing. Right? We have had it, and it carries us...

hi, i'm brooke! said...

oh jamie...i'm so happy for you!!! i have never miscarried, and can only imagine how difficult it would be. i understand any mental/emotional apprehensions you've had. but i'm so, so, so happy that all is well so far. congratulations to all of you!

The Snead Family said...

oh yay! thanks jamie- for your post.i think i had the worst week of my life yet with my boys too.sometimes through the tears though- i dont want to pray- im too angry or sad or frustrated....but thanks for reminding me i NEED to. also i am soooo excited that you are pregnant. things will work out. we ll be praying for you!!!

Mother of the Wild Boys said...

Congrats! You will be in my prayers. *happy tears*

bythelbs said...

Happy, happy thoughts and prayers from me!

Jess and Matt said...

Congratulations! We will keep you in our prayers for a healthy full term pregnancy!