Two weeks and one day ago I found out I am pregnant for the 6th time. Today we saw a tiny, beautiful beating heart.
I wasn't sure I wanted to have another child. I was completely content with our two a few months ago. The thought of being pregnant again and possibly going through another miscarriage was not something I wanted to think about. T-Bone was completely supportive too, and he was the one that thought we should have three. He didn't want me to have to go through another miscarriage either. Then I had an experience where I knew that there was one more for us. I never thought I'd have one of those. I've heard people say they felt like someone was missing from their family or had a dream or even that there was a spirit watching them and they'd get a glimpse of them. Honestly I always thought those stories were kind of weird. Not that I didn't believe them, but....I didn't quite believe in them. But now I know that those things can happen. I was stubborn and I guess I needed a little push to understand.
I had a panic attack when I found out. I knew in my heart, yet I didn't really want to know so I waited a couple days before taking the test. I guess I didn't want to have to face the reality and the stress that comes with me being pregnant. It has been a really long two weeks. Lest you all think that I'm dreading this, I am happy. I look forward to the day when I can bring another child into our family but the what-ifs of the present sometimes get in the way of my joy in the future.
I know that it isn't usually conventional to spread the news of a pregnancy so early--I'm only 6 weeks--but my pregnancies haven't really been conventional either. Besides if I lose it I'm going to post about it anyway, cuz I just can't just keep my mouth shut. Plus talking about it is therapeutic. I've been doing everything I can to try to keep this pregnancy--taking progesterone and baby aspirin, and taking it as easy as I can--and especially praying. Heavenly Father has heard from me a LOT. I realize that I may not know everything and that there is a plan for me and things don't always work out the way I want them to--I would be an idiot if I didn't acknowledge that--but I do know that prayers can't hurt and there is a big chance they actually can help. And so I ask if you will say a prayer or two or however many you want for me.
This is our last try. If we can end the record at 3 and 3 we'll be thrilled.